Yes, fitting in. And, standing out.

How to find a genuine sense of belonging without losing ourselves.

Everyone wants to fit in, right? It’s a natural human tendency to desire a sense of belonging, and we tend to think we’ll achieve said feeling by fitting in with the group where we’d like to belong. It gets tricky, though, when we start to believe external features are what will make us feel included. Think about it—have you ever bought a new pair of shoes or brand of jeans or type of car because it’s what the “cool kids” have, and then found yourself still feeling out of place? I think we want something deeper than to simply fit in. 

Growing up, I tended to stand out from my peers, and not necessarily in a good way. I was homeschooled for most of my education until high school, and I admittedly fit most of the stereotypes. I didn’t wear the same clothes or listen to the same music, and I definitely wasn’t up on internet trends the way my public school peers were. It was difficult at first; spending most of your time in a space where you distinctly don’t fit in, no matter how kind people are to you, is hard. For the first several years, I wanted to fit in more than anything else. Then, I started paying more attention to the people around me, and I noticed something that changed my mind. 

Very, very few people that I’ve met would say with complete confidence they feel like they fit in with any group they’re a part of: friend group, club, sports team, community, you name it. Even those who appear the most popular are likely insecure. No amount of popularity can guarantee our acceptance in social circles. It eats away at our happiness. It took me a long time to notice this, and I still fight against the temptation to fit in, because I’ve found there’s something more meaningful and fulfilling than simply fitting in. 

Some people counter the desire to fit in by deliberately standing out, being different simply for the sake of being different. My family and I can sometimes lean in this direction, yet I’ve not found it fulfilling either. Placing your identity in not being “basic” or “mainstream” can become a manifestation of pride, and it still doesn’t satisfy the need to belong. 

Fitting in with only superficial elements of who we are, like the music we listen to or the clothes we wear, doesn’t ultimately make us belong. Taking pride in being different won’t make us happy, either. What do we do, then? I’ve found shared values are a powerful thing. The more people I meet, the more time I spend with my friends, the more I realize I don’t need to look like I fit in; I need to create meaningful relationships with people where we have parallel values at a fundamental level and where we both invest in each other’s well-being. One of my best friends during my last two years of high school looked very different from me and typically hung out with a different friend group, but because we both valued deep conversations about philosophy and enjoyed playing guitar, we found ourselves spending time together riffing (conversationally) on existentialism and riffing (musically) on Angus Young. How we spent our time with other friends was irrelevant because we added value to each other in the areas where we shared interests and principles. No one would look at me and Clint and say we “fit in” with a mold, but I never doubted the strength of our friendship. 

We don’t need to look like our friends to belong with them. We don’t need to have all the same interests, follow the same people on Twitter, or make the same amount of money. Instead, we need to surround ourselves with people who value and accept us for who we are while also challenging us to reach our potential. Without fail, the people who make me feel as though I belong are people who value both the way I am and the way I could be. I’m part of an online network which ranges from people in their 20’s to those in their 80’s, with careers in anything from agriculture to banking to bio-engineering, and I’d venture to say none of us really “fit in” with the group. Yet, it’s one of the tightest-knit communities I’ve ever been a part of. How? Because we value the way we each stand out from each other but we unite around common goals of sharpening our communication skills, sharing and debating ideas, and achieving aims in our personal lives. The people don’t have to be the same to create a sense of belonging because it’s the values that create the bond. 

Since my awkward “she was definitely homeschooled” days, I’ve changed a great deal. From the outside, I do fit in with my peers more than I did then. I found if I wanted to better influence and serve people, fitting in more would reduce the barrier between myself and those around me. Yet, I don’t change simply to please other people; if there is an element of who I am which is deeply important to me, it’s not worth changing to fit in. You must know where your boundaries are and what values, principles, and goals are most important to you. From there, you can determine where you’re willing to change and where you’re not. Ultimately, if people won’t accept you for those things you’re unwilling to change, they’re likely not the people who are meant to be in your corner. That’s okay. Remaining firm in your principles makes it even easier to identify which people will genuinely value you for who you are. Surround yourself with people like that, invest back in them, and you’ll find you feel a deep sense of belonging whether you look like you fit in or not. 

The other day I met a farmer from Texas with a substantial following on social media and I found out he, too, was homeschooled growing up. As we talked, we agreed on our strategy since then: “I’m just normal enough to be successful, and just weird enough to stand out.” Believe it or not, I think it works. 

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Where are you sacrificing something important to you simply to fit in? Drop your thoughts in the comments below or tag @miriamrosah on Twitter or Instagram. I’d love to learn from you.

One more thing… I had the privilege of sharing some of the lessons I’ve learned over the last few years, and particularly in this last year, on the Vance Crowe Podcast. We talked a little about the idea of fitting in and how these concepts have played out in my life. Check it out here, or listen on your favorite podcast platform by clicking on one of the links in the description.