On a walk through the park on a warm spring day, you notice how pretty the flowers are, lining the trail, so you pull out your phone to share it on your Snapchat story, wanting to share the beauty of your view with your friends.
As you listen to your New Music Friday roundup on Spotify, you run across a song you immediately want to put on repeat, so you share the link to your Instagram story—maybe with a carefully-arranged picture of your color-coded planner and your coffee and your laptop, hoping your friends appreciate the song as much as you do (and, maybe, notice how put-together your life is).
Glancing through the headlines for the day, you run across a thought-provoking article and immediately share to Facebook, hoping your followers will read it and appreciate the nuance of the opinion.
“OK great, Miriam, you’re here with another stereotypical ‘get off your phone and smell the roses’ post?” Well, kind of, but not quite. I’m not here this morning in your inbox to tell you how much to use your phone; I’m here to pose some questions I think we should all be asking ourselves about why we use the apps and services we do. As a result, I believe most of us will see our behaviors change—or, at the very least, we will want to change our behaviors—when we recognize what’s truly behind our habitual sharing, liking, and scrolling.
Many folks will spend time discussing the more sinister, negative aspects of why we post on social media, focusing on things like our own pride and desire for attention. I have noticed these tendencies in myself, and don’t doubt they are common; however, I’d like to spend more time on the more positive reasons many of us find ourselves on these apps: in the examples above (some version of which I have done, myself, many times), things like sharing beauty, music, and thoughtful writings. If we have the right motives, what can be wrong with sharing it with our online followers?
My thinking in this space has been heavily influenced recently by two authors—Jonathan Haidt and Cal Newport—who both have written several excellent books on the broader topics of managing and understanding our digital life and how it impacts us, particularly those of us in Gen Z who hardly know a life without screens in our pockets. One of the concepts that Haidt focuses on in his work The Anxious Generation is the idea of one-to-one communication vs. one-to-many: generally speaking, for social-emotional well-being, one-to-one communication is superior. When we’re directly interacting with one other person, we can most effectively have a back-and-forth, appreciate and listen to each other, and utilize the social skills we were created to use for meaningful relationships with one another. I think, intuitively, we know this. When do you feel more fulfilled: after an evening of perfecting an Instagram post and watching the likes and comments come in, or after an evening spent over drinks or FaceTime with a good friend?
With this in mind, I’ve started to pay more attention to those moments I’m inclined to make a post—broadcasting to hundreds of friends, acquaintances, and people I met five years ago who I actually don’t have any recollection of who they are—and identify the desire beneath the post. Typically, this results in my recognizing the thing I’m attempting to accomplish would be just as easily, and more effectively, achieved by either sharing with one person directly with a quick text or even just taking the photo to save on my camera roll and putting my phone right back in my pocket. Want to share beauty? Text a friend (or maybe your mom) who you know loves flowers as much as you do. Love that new song? Share it with your music-loving friend, or try building a shared playlist where you add songs as you find them. Worthwhile news article? Text it to your brother or friend who you know will actually read the whole thing and have a meaningful discussion with you, either over text or the next time you see each other in person, instead of posting it to a feed where it will be just one more headline to react to. Run into something you immediately think you need to share, but deep down you actually just want to remember it for yourself? Try a digital journaling app to save photos, songs, and feelings for yourself to scroll through when you want to reminisce.
I recognize our relationships with our devices and social media services are complex and personal; I don’t think we should all throw our smartphones out the window and delete our social media accounts. I do, however, believe many of us are vastly underestimating how our social media presences have reduced our social lives to mindless sharing and scrolling, rather than deep and meaningful interactions with those who truly matter most to us. I also believe we could all benefit from designating some period of time—long enough to get over the initial withdrawal—where we remove certain apps from our phones and see what life feels like without immediate access to platforms to publish how we’re feeling at any given moment. If you’re worried about what you might miss, I would challenge you, as Cal Newport defends powerfully in his work Digital Minimalism, to look at the opportunity cost. Just because there is some marginal value in an app or service doesn’t mean it’s worth the tradeoff of what you could be using or doing instead.
As I always say here, I’m nowhere near the end of figuring this out. What I do know, however, is I’m gradually noticing my individual relationships improve as I divert my desire for social media towards one-to-one interaction, and I’m noticing a very gradual decrease in my desire to check my phone all the time (admittedly, though, this is a very, very tough habit to break). I believe you will see the same as you start to identify the desire underneath your posting habits, and it’s my hope you feel a little less alone in the journey because I’m on it with you.
P.S. There’s always a “Share” button at the bottom of these posts, and as much as I appreciate social media shares and mentions, my challenge to you this week is to send directly to a friend this time instead of broadcasting it out—maybe even discuss the journal prompt with them in addition to doing your own reflection. Shoot me a message and let me know how it goes!
Journal Prompt of the Week
Which social media app do you spend the most time on? Why? What one-to-one communication could you divert some of that desire towards?