We Should All Probably Stop Complaining
From the Archives, Part 3: The less time we spend rehashing our frustrations, the happier we’ll be.
I have been quite the Negative Nelly lately. I love my job, but we’re experiencing some changes in our business right now, it’s a stressful time of year with important business planning conversations, not to mention all the typical silly little frustrations of any job that aren’t actually that deep but they somehow become a big deal just because. I didn’t realize how bad my attitude was until the other day when I was working from home and my husband came home from the office for lunch. Not even a full minute had passed after he walked in the door, and I launched into a “I’m so frustrated because” tirade. He patiently listened, as he always does, and then he said “I’m sorry your job is so miserable right now.” And, he meant it.
The problem with that? My job isn’t miserable right now—I just spend far more time telling my husband, and others, about all the things I’m struggling with and frustrated about than I do sharing stories of the wins and the bright spots in each day. It took him saying that for me to realize just how negative I’ve become. Me, who used to be all “it’s so important to love what you do and focus on the good!!” Now, I’m quickly becoming the cranky old lady we all hide from.
What happened? Well, a couple of things. First, I can become way over-focused on trying to get everything exactly right and make everyone happy (mission: impossible) because I’m still new and young in my industry and I’m just trying to prove that I’m worth being here (this is probably a whole post for another time); second, I’ve simply forgotten the fact that what we focus on expands, as I wrote in the post below.
For every time I complain about the same situation to a different person, I’m magnifying the problem. Each minute I spend dwelling on something I cannot control, something I’ve already made a decision on, or something coming up but that I can’t prepare for, is a minute not just wasted in a neutral sense, but a minute spent actively to our own detriment. Not only am I dragging myself down, but I’m becoming a miserable person to be around.
Can you relate? Maybe it’s not about your job, but about a class you’re in or a friend you’re not a fan of right now or even just the world in general. It is so easy to spiral down into the depths of our own self-pity; we have to actively choose to counteract this tendency of human nature. So, how do we do it?
I still wholeheartedly agree with the two key points in the post I wrote three years ago—focusing on gratitude and beauty will inevitably start to shift our attitude. I will also add a third, even more specific, practice which I plan to implement in my life now that I’ve been made so painfully aware of how my attitude has declined. Every time I start to discuss something I’m frustrated with, I’m going to aim to stop myself and ask this question: Is this comment going to help solve a problem, or am I magnifying a negative I can’t do anything about anyway? It’s not that we can’t talk about negative things; many problems we must solve require discussing the negative aspects of the situation and figuring out how to improve things. Yet, I think most of us, at least certainly myself, spend far more time talking about negative things just to gain sympathy or because it makes us feel good temporarily. In the long run, though, it drags us down into a mire of ungrateful, toxic thoughts which will infect our families, our teams, and anyone else we spend time with.
My small step to make a change for this next week is to start with the lunches I share with my husband: Can I make it the full 45 minutes without complaining about something from that morning? I’m sure I’ll fail, more days than I’d like to admit, but it’s a place to start. Where will you start? Who can help hold you accountable? When it’s all said and done, our mission to complain less and appreciate more will likely lead to more problems solved and even less to complain about in the first place. Will you join me?
Yes, work. And, fun.
You know the saying “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”? In many cases it may be true, but I met a farmer who would argue there can be fun amidst work.
Journal Prompt of the Week
What are you most inclined to complain about? What one small step will you take to complain less this week?
I believe most of us become caught up in this type of behavior. It is so good to catch ourselves because that negativity is a one way street to nowhere. Thanks for bringing this up.
Great reminders, thank you!