Liberate a Mentor Today
Practical steps to find, identify, and ask someone to be your mentor. (Spoiler alert: you don't actually have to ask them.)
Last fall, I was a decision-making wreck, giving myself emotional whiplash as I went back and forth between several job offers. I would ask one person for advice and lean one direction, and the next day someone else would recommend the other. It wasn’t until a phone call with a particular mentor where I realized the root of my dilemma.
“Miriam, most of the control you think you have over your life is an illusion, anyway.”
Um, what? I’ve made so many decisions to lead me to where I’m at in life. Right? Well, or the decisions have just so happened to line up with all the things I couldn’t control. The more I thought about it, the more I realized the voice on the other line of the phone call was correct. And, the originally terrifying thought started to become a comforting one. No, I can’t control everything about my life. I can, however, make the best decisions I can with the information I’m given, and leave the rest up to the Creator of the universe.
Here’s the tea: sometimes (often), mentors don’t say what we want to hear. The best mentors tell us what we need to hear, and the two don’t always align. That’s part of what makes mentors so cool. I’m convinced that every person who is not the oldest person on earth should have a mentor. None of us can make it alone in this life, and having an older and wiser person (or two, or three) to help guide us along the way can be the difference between living in our purpose and wandering aimlessly.
But, how do you find one? How do you ask them? Does it have to be a whole process where you formally ask someone to officially be your mentor? Here are some key lessons I’ve learned as I’ve navigated the realm of mentors and mentees.
Where to look
All those tips on networking? Most of my key mentors started as a brief networking connection, either from an event or a Twitter conversation that moved to email that moved to regular phone or Zoom calls to catch up. When you’re networking, keep the “what to look for” elements in mind and take note of those connections who may fit the bill. After a first call, you can determine if you want to continue a stronger mentor/mentee relationship. Sometimes, a mentor is found in someone we already know, but have never asked for career or life advice. They may be a family friend, a coach or teacher, or a pastor. If one of these people is a role model for you, odds are they would be a good mentor. Ultimately, looking for a mentor comes down to having our eyes open at all times with an awareness of what it is we’re looking for in a mentor.
What to look for
1) Shared values
A good mentor will have a significant influence on your life. It’s important to make sure they’re the type of person we want to be. Is family important to you? A mentor who has prioritized a career over their family may not be the right fit for you. Do you value adventure and risk-taking? The right mentor for you will help you identify what risks are worth taking based on their own experiences and desire for living on the edge.
2) Different perspectives
In the realm of values, we pursue a mentor who aligns with ours; when it comes to perspectives, our mentors should be more divergent. Simply being older than us will contribute to this, but other areas of difference are important, too. On the Big Five personality scale, I’m very high in agreeableness; one of my mentors is at the low end of the spectrum. When we first interacted, I felt like he was overly blunt and controversial. As I got to know him, I realized I needed to learn from someone who was willing to say what he felt. He doesn’t try to make me less agreeable, but instead has helped me find my points of weakness and to capitalize on the strength of my personality.
3) Experience in your desired domain
A mentor who is doing right now what you want to do later is a tremendous resource. Yet, so is a mentor who aligns in only one part of their life. I have interest in becoming a better speaker and content creator—I have a mentor who is a skilled communicator. I want to learn to balance career and family—I have a mentor who has spent decades in a successful corporate career while ensuring her family didn’t take the backseat. One of my longer-term interests is venture capital—I have a mentor who has recently moved into the investor world. I don’t need a mentor who has all of those things combined, because I can learn from a variety of people who have excelled in one domain or another. From those lessons, I can piece together what I’d like my life to look like in its own unique way.
How to ask
1) Don’t. Just reach out whenever you want to talk and need their wisdom.
Seriously. With some folks, there is no need to make it formal. Ask if you can have a call and talk about (x specific thing). Be sure to share the topic or decision you’d like to discuss, as that helps your mentor be prepared to help you. If they open the door to future conversations, keep reaching out as you feel their guidance will help you. Be respectful of their time, but give them a chance to share their wisdom.
2) Ask if they have time for a monthly or quarterly recurring call or Zoom meeting.
Maybe you prefer some structure, or your mentor wants regular life updates from you: if so, ask if you can set up a recurring call. Sometimes a mentor will even offer, first, to meet regularly. If they meet the above criteria, go for it!
3) Directly ask them to be your mentor.
Perhaps you are the type of person who prefers to formalize relationships. I have friends who directly ask a set of older individuals to fill the role of mentor. Some even call that group their personal “board of directors.” This isn’t my cup of tea, but it’s a strategy some find valuable and it works for them.
Moral of the story: Don’t let the process of asking for a mentor to be the reason you don’t have one. It’s not that deep. Mentors have wisdom to share and mentees need guidance, so we might as well create some mutual value by asking for advice. Mentors can give us many gifts: lessons learned from their experiences, knowledge of an industry we care about, advice on how to start off strong in a new job. However, perhaps the greatest gift a mentor can give us is to challenge how we think, like in my phone call last fall. And, for as much value as it brings you to learn from a mentor, it brings them joy to share their wisdom with you and watch you grow.
Whether you’re a mentor or a mentee, drop a comment to let us know how you found each other! If you’re still looking for one, let us know how you plan to implement one of the tips.
Journal Prompt of the Week
What is a dilemma you’re facing in your life where a mentor could help you?
I love all your practical steps about finding a mentor for various times, reasons and seasons in your life. I would add however that it's always good to pray, asking the Lord to direct in your search.